Monday, June 28, 2010

On B(r)e(a)st Behavior

In a city like SF, where you can always count on the fog and never on the sun, on the rare occasions when the weather warms up for real, women and their faithful companions (…) sometimes are caught unprepared.

The below is my humble attempt at offering SF ladies some guidelines on how to react to such unusual circumstances. Disclaimer: the b(r)e(a)st practices were gleaned from observing actual San Franciscans in their own habitat, Discovery Channel-style.

So here’s what some owners might like to do with them on a warm weekend: 

The San Francisco War Memorial Opera
  1.  Squeeze them into tight, deep-cut dresses and take them out to watch Faust on Friday night at the San Francisco War Memorial Opera. If they get bored, use your binoculars to find other cousins of theirs exposed to high culture in the rows below. Unless, of course, you’re in box seats, in which case you’ve paid so much money, you’d rather faint than admit you’re bored. Suck it up.
  2.  Let them aerate in flimsy dresses, taking advantage of an extremely warm Saturday afternoon. Maybe take them to grab a bite at Elite CafĂ© and then walk down Fillmore Street, spying on the state of other globular objects.
  3.  If it’s too warm (I know, fat chance) cool them off with a wine spritzer in the shade of the Kabuki Cinema. While you’re there,  take them to see SATC II, where they can gawk, together with you, at the girls’ outrageous and impossible ensembles, like high-heels in the middle of the desert, and shoulder pads adorned with life-sized poleaxes and other medieval weapons.
The Kabuki Sundance Cinema on Fillmore

  1.  In the evening, fit them into a strappy top and try to keep them in it, as bartenders at Asia SF will diligently attempt to apply non-fat whipped cream in their general area. An impressive array of bras in all colors, shapes and sizes hangs above the Asia SF downstairs bar, reminding all visitors that this is a place of liberte, egalite, fraternite and, occasionally, toplessness-ite. Alternately, if owners are brides to be and engaged in bachelorette party activities (of which there were at least five on Saturday night two weeks ago), said items could end up spending a significant amount of quality time with rear ends of tranny divas, as part of obligatory pre-nup lap-dance rituals. Onstage.
  2. If the warm weather persists (as a result of some cataclysmic climate changing-event), you have two options: go flower power or hop on yer bike. For the former, all you need is, yes, no bra and a tie-dye top that will accommodate fluid movement as you shake to the beats of the drum circle in Golden Gate Park. For the later, "support and cover" are the operative words -  if not for yourself, at least for the sake of drivers coming from the opposite direction. You don’t want to have them on your conscience
SF Drum Circle on a colder day 

Et voila! SF ladies - am I missing anything?


Anonymous said...

Wow, 4 months and still no comment, I'll break the ice on this one.

Comment 1: Awesome post, this "War memorial opera" sounds awesome, is it like the Moulin Rouge?

Comment 2:
Awesome post, good way to put the current realities of globular behaviour without entering on my personal theories of "have the push-up bra perpetuated their existence eternally; else to the decrease in population of the human race ;-)"

Anyway, always keep up your BEST behaviour!

Camelia said...

Oh, my! I do appreciate the feedback. The truth is, this was one of the most fun posts to write, ever. As to the War Memorial opera, I'm afraid it's nothing like the Moulin Rouge - especially not on the stage for that particular Faust production. Maybe more so on the spectator side :-)